Lizzi Von DooLittle (vondoolittle) wrote,
Lizzi Von DooLittle

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On the topic of me being single again... (Saturday)

For those of you who haven't grasped recent events quite...

The ex who moved out was the long term 10 year one...we broke down as a couple for many reasons...not my own or his...and I WAS single from November last year when we split to September-ish this year...

Then I got a new boyfriend...this is the one who dumped me on Tuesday...

He's a film director/producer and lecturer in London...

All went blissfully, ecstatically well for about 2 months, he came down and saw me...then 2 weeks later (after not calling me much)...he rings and tells me it's over because he "can't give me the relationship I want" (ie. I'm too needy because I try ringing once a day and get no answer when he's working and not contacted me at all...not even a text)...

...and that he has to focus on his career/work because he's damned good at what he does and has to take himself seriously... He works from waking to sleeping in the INDUSTRY and when he goes out to the gym/drinking he wants his own headspace and not even a girlfriend (who he was previously saying he wanted to marry, have kids and be with forever) dare contact him as it would piss him off.

He can't do WORK and RELATIONSHIP together as he is a man of extremes and doesn't do things by one of them has to go, and it's me...

Though he wants to be really close friends and have me call him at the weekend and go for a drink (etc probably) at Xmas...which I will do, stupid girl this one...

I'm *pretty much* over it now.

Although I spent Tuesday evening, all night at work and all Wednesday sobbing my stupid heart out because I gave it away entirely too earnestly...

See, he was only my 5th ever relationship since I *lost my innocence* at 18 years old (I'm going to be 30 next June), brought up with strong christian morals about sexuality and therefore take that part extremely seriously even though no longer christian. My body is not something I give away without being SERIOUS about someone...I give 100% to a relationship, heart, body and soul...and am NEVER unfaithful...and don't jump in and out of relationships lightly at all...

Simply put I WAS TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH HIM and I've ended up being hurt because I gave myself wholeheartedly!!

The last one before this recent split was 10 years long (the one that has just moved out yesterday because I let him live with me in his own room rent/food/bills free for a whole year until I was hugely in debt and I couldn't afford it anymore)...and the last 6 years of that one were just me having to be motherly and not feeling like a fact for the last 3 years he had (and still has) another girlfriend in America...

That's just who I am...stupid, devoted in relationships, and a bit victorian in values.

Thankfully I've bounced back damn fast...but I was utterly devastated for two whole days at least...and it still hurts a bit if I think too much about I'm burying myself in Theatre and valued friendships. I won't get hurt with those.

Don't mention this on any other thread...well maybe because he might get offended if I posted exactly this in public...and as friends is all we can be, I don't want to jeopardise that by sounding like a whining old sow.

There ya go.


Fuckem all, I'm working for MYSELF now for a DAMN LONG TIME!!!!!!!


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