Lizzi Von DooLittle (vondoolittle) wrote,
Lizzi Von DooLittle

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I think too much sometimes...

Being an MDEC Keyer can sometimes be a very lonely business. Although you are sat there in a floorspace full of people all at computers to the left and right of you, you can still be sat there feeling alone, plugged into headphones and listening to music, not talking to anyone and mindlessly sending what your eyes see to your fingers in a robotic fashion.

Such work and closing off like that with music in your ears and brainless work in front of you flying along on autopilot leaves your brain free to wander all over the place. You think too much over things and then, just when you think you have been doing ok, you get miserable again. Especially when you are listening to 'Lindy's Party' by The Bolshoi (damn good track but not aggro-ey enough for me at the moment) and thinking about a very recent relationship breakup...

It takes me a hell of a lot to PROPERLY open up and show my deepest, most intense feelings...

I had learnt to close them off pretty much, and be analytical over things. Intellectualise rather than feel things...but when I do open up - and trust me, it takes a lot of encouragement and generating of trust in a person, they flood out.

If I feel strongly for someone, when I've given in to my emotions I will want to tell them as many times as I feel it bursting out of me - and I need reciprocation or I feel insecure a little. I can't switch this off, and then I'm in danger of telling them how I feel too much - which leaves me, when things get broken off, feeling like maybe I've overdone the honesty of feeling (which has been encouraged in me) and pushed them away...

When it has been reciprocated to the same intensity and then cut off suddenly when the relationship breaks off I blame myself - I don't understand how if I can apparently feel the same way and have opened the floodgates on my emotions, how someone who tells me they love me just as much and want to be with me so much can cut their feelings off so easily when I feel unable to.

I don't know how other people do it. It's like a tap - they can apparently switch it right off, whereas I must have a very leaky washer or something...

Obviously, I was a bit low at work last night over this - but then I was sat listening to music all night and lonely in a roomful of 150ish people...I suppose I brought it on myself inadvertantly.

Music really makes me feel - it connects with me in a very fundamental way. Mostly I've been fine so far, but it's when I have damned good music doing peculiar things to my gut, riding a wave of feeling that it gives me in a way that only good music can, and then have too much time to think about stuff on top of being opened up by it, that I get maudlin.

It will go I'm sure. So long as I don't listen to reflective stuff - keep to the heavy beats and angry-bouncy tracks...and avoid Lacrimosa, despite it being brilliantly composed, fantastic music...

I'm pretty much okay - considering I got dumped only last Tuesday - just having the odd moment of lowness which is to be expected when your trust in someone is broken and you get a massive dent in your self esteem.


Anyway, I'm awake now, have coffee and cigarette (god, I need to give up)...and redyed my hair yesterday - got blue black dye sodding everywhere too. I'm listening to the planes flying overhead - services showoff weekend on the Hoe - missed the Red Arrows yesterday, and today it's the turn of Tornados, Harriers and helichoppers...

Also, tommorrow, Congealed Snot (Sealed Knot) are re-enacting an English Civil War battle out at Plympton Castle. If I can get a lift, I might go...depends how hungover I feel in the morning...

I'm off out this evening for a girly night with missbumpkin - we are going to meet in the Nowhere and get trolleyed;)!!


(Oh gawd, that was all a bit open of me...have scared myself now lol)

*is off to listen to feelgood stuff - Marilyn Manson, PIG and Duran Duran should do it...*

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